My Lair

So, Jess came down for my birthday today (or now it is technically yesterday) and it was nice to see her. In the past 4 weeks since she has been "cancer free" I had noticed a change in her attitude. It had gotten better. She was more pleasant to talk to and you could tell by her voice that she was feeling better. She tried to come down for Valentines day last week but couldn't because of health issues. This time, she was supposed to come down from Tuesday through Thursday and be staying at the apartment, but Monday night my roommate decides to get sick and so she came down for only a couple of hours today.

Now don't get me wrong, I was glad I could see her no matter how short the visit was, but it was not as fun or as nice as I had thought it was going to be. She was becoming her old self again, and I was really starting to et annoyed with it. Then on the drive home, she called me and asked me if I thought we were in this relationship because it had become a habit. It really got me thinking and I have started to question our relationship. I know that I have put up with more than I think I really should have to put up with for a relationship, but that is because I have known that she will become a different person than what I am used to her being once she finishes all of this cancer stuff and becomes an individual again. I think that I am going to have to lay it out to her and say that if she does not change from these condescending ways she has been lately, then this relationship will end no matter how much I may love her and/or how much she may love me. I will not put up with this when I know she is healthy and does not have a reason for it, nor should I have to.

I just had to get this off my chest, even though we will be discussing this later on in the afternoon tomorrow.

I am sick and tired of everything going wrong in my life. I am sure than not many have known as many people to die within 21 years of their life. It is getting ridiculous. I was just told this morning that Jess's grandmother died over night. At least it was while she was asleep so we know that there was no pain involved. I want to so badly be down there for not just the funeral, because I have been a part of her family for 2 years now, but most importantly to support Jess. I know how badly she needs me right now and am beating the shit our of myself for not having the funds to go down and be there. If I wasn't such a dumb-ass and spent almost $1,000 on my credit card from July to September, I would have the money to buy a plane ticket and be down there on by Monday night.

Right now I just have way too much shit going on in my life. I tried to make things a little easier on myself by talking to Jess's mom about what's been going on and how badly I want to be there, but got a little too ahead of myself and talked to her about something that I should not have talked to her about. It got Jess extremely pissed off at me and I am still kicking myself about it, and probably will be right now as you are reading this.

As for what all is on my mind, there is more than I can put in writing. The big things are my dad (which never seems to go away), my lack of work right now, Jess, her family, Christine (boss of what was supposed to be my job), and trying to get my mom to co-sign a loan from the bank.

My dad; where do I begin...right now his latest "news" is that because I waited an extra week to come up to NJ, he took off $25 a month from my allowance for next year. This is just retarded, and he sees it as a way to prove to me that I can't rely on him for money because I did not work enough this summer. Now with this new jobless situation, I would be dead if he were to find out, so the simple thing is to not tell him. As for the loan, it would be to not have to worry about relying upon him for school payments. I am sick and tired of him hanging the money issue over my head and using it to all ki9nds of advantages for himself, and would love to get a loan, not tell him, and use his allowance to pay it off.

As for Christine, she is being her typical self and not giving me the information that I need. She has just recently sold the deli and never told me. Since I was relying on that job, I am now up shit's creek and jobless. I have been job hunting already and will go again on Monday. I have already applied at a local Express, but they have not made any efforts to hire me, when they sounded like they were excited to hire someone with experience.

All in all I am just in too deep for what I need right now, and can't handle it any more.

So I have been neglecting my LJ page for some time now, but that is not my fault. My life has just not had enough going on of interest to put up. But today something happened that's worth talking about. To start, yesterday my Intramural Ultimate Frisbee team played our arc-rivals in the Semifinals of the playoffs and won 9-7! That was awesome, and the game could have gone either way. It basically came down to whom ever could score the first 2 solid points would win the game. So today was the finals, playing a team that wasn't better than the team from yesterday, so we knew it wouldn't be hard. We started the game by loosing the first point (which never happened all season) so that got us a little pissed off. After that, we came back to win 11-5 after a couple of crappy points. Our next stop is the all campus playoffs on Monday. We will play 2 games on Monday, but because we won today, we get a break in between them and don't have to play back-to-back. As for an update on Jess, her Lymphoma is gone, has 2 Chemo's left, and is now focusing on the clot in her heart. It is located in her Right Atrium, and is roughly 3cm big (that's about the width of a golf-ball if you can't picture it). We will find out how things are moving along and what will happen in the future with the clot come May 3rd. That's a wrap. Will probably have more to say shortly...finals and finals and finals (are coming) oh my!

So; there have been many things going on in my life lately, most of which is school related, unfortunately, but to tell you the truth, it comes as no surprise. I have had zero tests yet this semester, and now have 2 on Friday. This is not going to be fun, and I am dreading it immensely. Jess has been doing okay up until this past week. She has had a few heart problems lately, mostly just a high heart-rate with no irregular beatings. She had an ultrasound done last week, and they found a mass in her heart. It is roughly the size of a golf ball, and is sitting on top of a stem. The severity of this mass is still unknown, and will be found out hopefully soon. In the mean time, her 5th Chemo was pushed back to tomorrow as apposed to Monday, but that should not be a problem. They have recently decreased the quantity of one medicine that she has been getting to allow her to feel her finger tips and toes again; and it has worked...no more stumbling when eating with a fork or spoon, nor while trying to slide her feet into her shoes. At times I feel very overwhelmed, and don't know what to do; but other times, I feel like I am taking all of this news way too well. I don't know what it is about/with me, but the only time I had any kind of "reaction" to what has been going on with Jess was right when we found out that she had the possibility of cancer. Since then, I have taken everything so well (sometimes too well I think) and I don't understand why.

Until recently, I have been fighting a battle with my parents about living off-campus next year, and have just recently gotten it resolved and finalized. At least that is one thing less I have to worry about...or so I thought. My dad just sent out an e-mail to all of Joey's teachers, and copied me on it, about his lack of effort to get things done. This is just something I don't need on my plate right now, because it is full enough with school work, Jess's health, and trying to find a fucking job here in Statesboro where it is damn impossible to find one. I don't know what to do anymore. I have seen my therapist this week, and she is concerned that I am taking this all to well as well, and is waiting for me to explode. Frankly, so am I. I guess I am going to have to try and work everything out and do my best to keep my mind mostly on school and nothing else, just to try and make life a little easier for me right now.

Cancer Is So Limited…

Cancer is so limited...

It cannot cripple love,

It cannot shatter hope,

It Cannot corrode faith,

It cannot eat away peace,

It cannot destroy confidence,

It cannot kill friendship,

It cannot shut out memories,

It cannot silence courage,

It cannot invade the soul,

It cannot reduce eternal life,

It cannot quench the Spirit,

It cannot lessen the power if the resurrection

- KEEP FIGHTING JESS

I did it. After writing my confession, I had to go and tell her myself. Over break, I was at my dad's house and stoped to pick Jess up on my way back down to school; well, that was my intentions. A few miles up the highway from her exit, I got caught in some nasty traffic (it took me 30 minutes to go 3 miles), and when I got to her house, I waited to see if the traffic would die down, but it never did. After a while, I decided to stay the night and just leave it the morning. So during the course of the night, I had started talking to Jess about everything that has been going on. At that point, I had to tell her how I felt. I decided to do it by trying to give her a kiss. After she backed away before I could actually kiss her, she asked me what it was for; and at that point I told her that I wanted her back. She looked at me kind of confused, and said that most of it is probably because of what is going on with her. I told her that that is not the reason, it is just what has made it clear to me. She told me that she is not going to be able to work on it at all until the medicine and treatments are done, and we can discuss it after everything is over and done with. I agreed to that and left it at that. I now know that she knows how I feel about her and that makes me feel better.

I have a confession to make...I never stopped loving Jess. Now that all of this new information has come about, I have realized that I never stopped loving her. I most recently found out that she most likely will not be coming back to school next semester (if you know her...don't tell her you know this!). She also will be having a bunch of tests and stuff done if she does not come back. The fact that I can't be there for all of, if any of the stuff that will be going on killed me on the spot. I lost it, after I hung up the phone. Even though all of this is happening, I still want to ask her back. To be a couple again, even though she may now not be coming back to school next semester, it is making me want to do it even more!

I want to be able to kiss her when I see her, and tell her that everything is going to be okay. I want her to tell me everything again. I want her to know that I will be there to help her every chance I get to. I want her to know I love her.

I have also began to spark a serious interest in the military. I don't know which way I would go, but I am considering the Marines. I am not sure if I am going to go through with this yet, but only 2 people know about this (Jess is not one of them), and now yourself, so I would like to keep it that way, until I know what I am doing. If I go through with this, then assuming I am accepted into the program, I will go through a 10-week training "camp" while getting paid (like and internship) over the summer, and then decide whether or not I want to go through with becoming a Marine or not by the time I graduate college. I am thinking about this simply because I want more self-assurance, self-determination, self-reliance and the ability to think on my toes and make quick decisions.

I don't know how far I will go with this, I am still waiting the local Officer in Gainsville, FL to respond to the questions I asked in my e-mail. I know that most won't like my decision if I do go through with it, but they are going to have to live with it. I know what the physical requirements are and I feel that I can meet those goals. I just need to do something that I feel is important enough and can change me the way I want to be changed. I know that even through the summer program, I will be changed forever, that is my goal. I want to be changed. I know that I will not be the same way I am now, and I am completely fine with that. I know that I can have enough of an influence on what is changed to not make me a completely different person than I am today, but one that is changed where I want to be changed; the lack of fear of disappointment in those who care about/for me, those who need me, those who I care about/for/need.

So; the past few weeks have been very interesting. I have been very busy with school work and now that I have a job, that has kept me even more busy. Lately, Jess has been very different from what she ever was when I was dating her. She has become more bitchy, and annoying. She also gets annoyed with everything that I do, or don't do, so much easier, and is now even worse at snapping back in my face when I say something to her. We did have a talk the other night that at least did me some good; I don't know if it did anything for her. We talked about how I am the way I am and that she is accepting that. I don't know how much she was denying the way I was/am if at all, but she seemed like she had doubts at one point or another. We also discussed how much I have made progress in many things; like not taking such long pauses, or any pauses at all, when in a detailed conversation with her, or being able to hold my ground a little more when talking to her.

For some reason, I have always had the mentality that I can't say anything wrong if I don't say anything at all (or do anything wrong if I always do what is asked, whether stupid or not) to anyone whom I deeply care for; ie my parents, their parents, my girlfriend. I have always had this fear of losing their trust in me or their faith in me just because I said no or actually spoke up against whatever they were discussing with me. I don't know why I do that, and wish I could change it so much! That's part of the reason why I am going to therapy...to work on my self-assurance and self-determinism.

Anyways, on a slightly different note, today, I went home with Jess just because she has been sick almost all week long, and she really needed to have someone drive up to her house b/c she wasn't going to be able to do it herself. In the beginning of the drive up, she was getting on my nerves, and thought once or twice about pulling over to the side of the highway, getting my stuff out of the back of the car and walking back to school, but I didn't just because I knew how much she needed me to drive her here. Then, once we were here, I was staying out of her way. I could tell that I was doing something wrong (probably being myself) and was not going to get in her way. I then started thinking about how much she has changed.

I was getting my thoughts together and went down stairs to get some water, deciding whether or not to bring it up now, simply because I didn't want to deal with it all weekend long and the drive back; it would just be easier to deal with it if we were back in Statesboro. She talked softly, and I asked her if she was talking to me, because I didn't understand it and there was a cat right next to her, so I wasn't sure if she was talking to me or the cat. Simple, legit question right? Anyways, she snaps back at me with "yes I was talking to you. who'd you think I was talking to, the cat?" in this smart-ass tone and then said "just go back upstairs". I stood there and stared at her while she was looking at her computer screen. At that moment, I said "alright, I am going to ask you anyways" and went to sit down. Her immediate (and I mean less than 2 seconds went by) response was "I'm busy". So at that point, I went upstairs to put on my socks and shoes and went for a walk. I would have been out for longer than the 20 I was out for, but Jess called me and asked if I wanted to go out for some pizza with her and her parents. After this, I have avoided her for most of the night. She even noticed that I was "mad" as she said, even though I was and still am more aggravated and annoyed than I am mad.

As every day goes by, my belief that Jess and I will get back together (at any point in time) just keeps sinking like a rock in a pond. We had a fight this week, and I had never raised my voice like that to her. I don't know if that's a good thing or not, but it's the truth. After she told me that she has had to be careful with everything that she says lately, so that it didn't come out too effectionate, we decided to put our relationship work on hold and work solely on a friendship. I know that a friendship is the least that both of us want out of what we had, but at this rate, I think that's the only thing that we will ever be again. I have a feeling that it will be too difficult to go back into a relationship with each other once we have solidified a friendship. As much as I want to get back into a relationship with her, I think a wait is the right thing to do right now, but I also think that it will end too late and we will be beyond that affectionate stage between us. I know anymore, and hope so FUCKING BADLY that things work out, in time, and that they don't take too long. I know that I will always have something more than just a friend feeling about Jess, and don't know how that will play in my future.

I want her back, and don't know how
it won't be fast, but I know now
I will not stop, I feel too strong
I will not stop however long

It hit me like a ton of bricks
reminded me of our first kiss
I will not stop, I feel too strong
I will not stop however long

I love her so and will not stop
until our love is back on top
I will not stop, I feel too strong
I will not stop however long

So here's the scoop. I haven't written in a long while simply because I haven't wanted to. Jess an dI have been going through a rough time (now for 3 weeks) and I have just backed off of LJ. The biggest thing that is going on with us (now that we are on "single" status) is that I have a problem with communicating. I almost never say what is on my mind, when it is on my mind, nor do I ever say no. I am always dropping everything I am doing to accommodate her. It is just a habit that I have gotten myself into over the past 10 years simply because of the situation I was thrown into when my dad left. I was from then on (and still today, for the most part) afraid to do the wrong thing.

I never wanted to be on the bad side of my mom, or now my girlfriend, because I was too afraid of being seen as something I wasn't, but instead have become something I am not. I had never wanted to be the one who lived and breathed my own life someone else's way; I wanted to live my life, my way. That hasn't happened yet. Sure I have done things that I want(ed) to do, but they were few and far between. Jess has been changing me into what I want to become, but I can't get past that communication issue. I am so afraid to end up like my parents, more specifically my father, that I am doing everything in my being to do absolutely nothing that he did. I know how he has/had handled certain situations, and tell myself not to handle them in that way, when I am in those situations, but I am not always sure that the way I handled it/them was the right way either. Jess believes that I have some built up emotions about my dad that I didn't get out when I saw a phych. way back when my mom and dad were going to court, that are a huge influence on my life now.

To tell you the truth, I think there is some truth to that. She also thinks that because of this, I have trouble saying what I want to say, when I want to say it because I am too afraid of it being the wrong thing. She also told me that she thinks that I should go and try to talk those situations out with a psych. and maybe things will begin to fit. I love her so much, and will do anything to get her back; but it is going to have to be quick. I have tried to do it on my own, but I can't do it fast enough (sometimes at all). I think that I am going to try and go to a psych. and see if I can figure some of these things out. I hope it works, and shows at least a little bit of improvement fast.

Today was my last day at work, and to tell you the truth, I am going to miss it a little bit. I had fun with the people who work there and will miss making jokes about Tasha to her face. The best part about this though, is that it is now just less than 48 hours until I get to see Jess again. I have missed her so, and wish I could have gotten dowen one more time this past week to see her before we head back to school. Anyways, that wraps up my summer. Cya.

There is a little more I have done, and will post it when te time it right...it's just 9 little stanzas that make whole, one thing I usually work well with.

I may have just lost the one thing I love most in my life. I didn't mean to do it at all, but I just couldn't change fast enough; fast enough for what I needed; fast enough for what I want. Why can't I say what I want to say? What the hell is wrong with me? Why can't I be what I want to be? Why must I make everything so damn difficult for the both of us? Please, can you tell me? Just one last time? Do I need a list of what it is? Would that be sefice? I know that your biggest issue with me right now is the lack of balls (to say the least) that I have (or don't have). The reason for most of it is that you critisize what I say, and always have something to say back in defense, that puts me down or makes me feel like nothing. That is why I hold back so often.

I really don't want to loose you. You have been everything to me and more. You have changed my life, though I may not have changed yours. You have opened me to a world I have been searching for, even though I may not have done the same for you. I have appreciated everything that you have done, and cannot thank you enough, nor can I tell you how sorry I am about everything I have not yet done. I don't know why it takes me something this drastic to kick into gear, but that's the way I have always been. I am sorry that I am not everything that you want in a man, but I am trying my hardest to be all that I can be; even if some of it hasn't been able to show through.

I will list the things that get me, and let you know when I am ready to tell you, everything I should have been telling you from day one of our relationship. I hope I will not sound too harsh or anything of the sort, but I need to do this. For me; for me. I hope you will understand everything I will say, and do understand everything I have said. I love you, and never want to lose you.

Why are women so much more selfish then men? Or at least more self-centered? Any time that my girlfriend would go off into another room, I would go and check on her, even if it were the next room over. I was tired of watchin ght TV show she was watching, and so I got up and went into her bedroom to lay on her bed while she watched the rest of her show. I have now been lying on her bed for the past hour and all she has said, not having moved from the chair she was sitting in in the room right outside her bedroom, to me is "what are you doing?" (after 15 minutes) and "you asleep yet?" (20 minutes later). I would have gone into the bedroom and checked what she was doing, and making sure she was okay, and not just yell to her from the room next door. Sometimes, things just get to me, and I can't shake it off. Maybe it's just because I would do something different and I think that what I do is what should be done...I don't know.

Also, as if she can't do a damn thing herself, she yells for me again, just because there is a roach crawling across the floor. She yelled "Dale, come quick and kill this!". I didn't even get a please out of her for that. So what did I do? I leisurely walked out there to kill it, with her yelling "kill it! quick!" repeatedly in my ear while I went up to it. I just don't get it at all.

Have "we" as a society (of men) "taught" women that we will do anything and everything for them? Have "we" told them that we can take care of everything for them, and that they don't need to try and do it themselves; whether they want to or not? I thought that's what the Women's Rights Movement was all about, but I just don't think it's as powerful now. I think that most of it now is only involved in/around the work-place just because I am not seeing it too much at the home.

I just don't get it any more...I just don't know.

As I lay here in bed, trying to fall asleep, I can't stop thinking about what I do wrong with my girlfriend, and if there even was anything I did wrong at all. In our conversation on the phone tonight, I told her that I was going to come down to her house tomorrow after I eat dinner at my dad's house (which is almost always between 6:30 and 7:00). She seemed like she didn't want me to come down, and so I asked her if that was okay, and she hesitantly said it was. I don't get women (or at least my woman) when they say one thing, but YOU KNOW they meant something else. I asked her what was wrong with that, and she said she didn't know the point of coming down so late; so I explained it to her. She did "ask" the question right? so I answered it. And when I get through with my answer/reasoning...?...she sighs and says "whatever", like she was never looking for it in the first place. So there lies my question.........why are women so confusing? I just don't get it.

So...just incase you were wondering how my summer has been going...here it is, in a nutshell.

I have been living at my dad's house for most of it, and haqve been doing pretty well. I visit my girlfriend often (part of the reason for staying in GA this summer) and things with us are very good. This summer has has it's many ups and downs, but the downs have not been quite as bad as I thought they would be. Things between Jess and I got a little rocky around the 4th of July, but it all was worked out, and I am so glad that it did. We talked for almost an hour and a half one night, around the 4th, and had a lot to say. I went outside of the house, and layed down on the driveway, while we talked. We were on the topic of how things were going to be in the future between us, and that's when I looked up in the sky and saw a shooting star. Right at that moment, I made a wish, and so far it has slowly been coming true. Now I can't tell you what exact,y I wish, but it had to do with my relationship (although I'm sure you figured that) and since then, things have been getting better, so I think it is slowly starting to work/come true. I have been working a lot too. Not too much money to show for it, but I have been.

I am so ready to go back to school. I am sick and tired of my dad being him normal self, complaining about my mother, or something of the sort, and not ever giving it up. I find it so much easier to talk to my step-mother that I do my own father. We even get to talk about him and how much she can't deal with anymore from him as well as what I can't stand about him. It's lkinda fun at times (sounds bad, but oh well). Well, there it is...pretty much.

So I buzzed my head today, and my girlfriend HATES IT! She can't even stand to look at me right now. This is just ridiculous. I don't know how many times I have wished I could go back in time and either redo something I did or not do something at all. I had asked her opinion and she gave me nothing more specific than, "I don't know, I just don't think it would look good". The real reason for her not wanting me to do it was because she hates everything that stands for the military. Now I knew she would not date/marry anyone that was in the military, but I didn't know she would go this deep. I can't do anything about it, and have threatened myself with leaving her house right now so that she wouldn't have to bother looking at it the rest of the week while I am here. If she had given me her real, honest reasoning, then I definitely would not have done this.

So...I went out on a wim about a week and a half ago and decided to get a tattoo. For those who know me, that isn't something that you would have really expected me to do was it? Anyways, here is what it looks like...hope you like it.