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However Long

Oct. 10th, 2006 | 12:35 am
location: my dorm room
mood: lonelylonely

I want her back, and don't know how
it won't be fast, but I know now
I will not stop, I feel too strong
I will not stop however long

It hit me like a ton of bricks
reminded me of our first kiss
I will not stop, I feel too strong
I will not stop however long

I love her so and will not stop
until our love is back on top
I will not stop, I feel too strong
I will not stop however long

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here's the scoop

Sep. 24th, 2006 | 11:55 pm
mood: progressively tired
music: Panic! At The Disco

So here's the scoop. I haven't written in a long while simply because I haven't wanted to. Jess an dI have been going through a rough time (now for 3 weeks) and I have just backed off of LJ. The biggest thing that is going on with us (now that we are on "single" status) is that I have a problem with communicating. I almost never say what is on my mind, when it is on my mind, nor do I ever say no. I am always dropping everything I am doing to accommodate her. It is just a habit that I have gotten myself into over the past 10 years simply because of the situation I was thrown into when my dad left. I was from then on (and still today, for the most part) afraid to do the wrong thing.

I never wanted to be on the bad side of my mom, or now my girlfriend, because I was too afraid of being seen as something I wasn't, but instead have become something I am not. I had never wanted to be the one who lived and breathed my own life someone else's way; I wanted to live my life, my way. That hasn't happened yet. Sure I have done things that I want(ed) to do, but they were few and far between. Jess has been changing me into what I want to become, but I can't get past that communication issue. I am so afraid to end up like my parents, more specifically my father, that I am doing everything in my being to do absolutely nothing that he did. I know how he has/had handled certain situations, and tell myself not to handle them in that way, when I am in those situations, but I am not always sure that the way I handled it/them was the right way either. Jess believes that I have some built up emotions about my dad that I didn't get out when I saw a phych. way back when my mom and dad were going to court, that are a huge influence on my life now.

To tell you the truth, I think there is some truth to that. She also thinks that because of this, I have trouble saying what I want to say, when I want to say it because I am too afraid of it being the wrong thing. She also told me that she thinks that I should go and try to talk those situations out with a psych. and maybe things will begin to fit. I love her so much, and will do anything to get her back; but it is going to have to be quick. I have tried to do it on my own, but I can't do it fast enough (sometimes at all). I think that I am going to try and go to a psych. and see if I can figure some of these things out. I hope it works, and shows at least a little bit of improvement fast.

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nothing new

Aug. 9th, 2006 | 10:59 pm
mood: anxiousanxious
music: mixs

Today was my last day at work, and to tell you the truth, I am going to miss it a little bit. I had fun with the people who work there and will miss making jokes about Tasha to her face. The best part about this though, is that it is now just less than 48 hours until I get to see Jess again. I have missed her so, and wish I could have gotten dowen one more time this past week to see her before we head back to school. Anyways, that wraps up my summer. Cya.

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in the future

Jul. 30th, 2006 | 12:52 am

There is a little more I have done, and will post it when te time it right...it's just 9 little stanzas that make whole, one thing I usually work well with.

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please don't be the end...I beg you

Jul. 29th, 2006 | 11:45 pm
mood: unsatisfied with myself

I may have just lost the one thing I love most in my life. I didn't mean to do it at all, but I just couldn't change fast enough; fast enough for what I needed; fast enough for what I want. Why can't I say what I want to say? What the hell is wrong with me? Why can't I be what I want to be? Why must I make everything so damn difficult for the both of us? Please, can you tell me? Just one last time? Do I need a list of what it is? Would that be sefice? I know that your biggest issue with me right now is the lack of balls (to say the least) that I have (or don't have). The reason for most of it is that you critisize what I say, and always have something to say back in defense, that puts me down or makes me feel like nothing. That is why I hold back so often.

I really don't want to loose you. You have been everything to me and more. You have changed my life, though I may not have changed yours. You have opened me to a world I have been searching for, even though I may not have done the same for you. I have appreciated everything that you have done, and cannot thank you enough, nor can I tell you how sorry I am about everything I have not yet done. I don't know why it takes me something this drastic to kick into gear, but that's the way I have always been. I am sorry that I am not everything that you want in a man, but I am trying my hardest to be all that I can be; even if some of it hasn't been able to show through.

I will list the things that get me, and let you know when I am ready to tell you, everything I should have been telling you from day one of our relationship. I hope I will not sound too harsh or anything of the sort, but I need to do this. For me; for me. I hope you will understand everything I will say, and do understand everything I have said. I love you, and never want to lose you.

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more on women

Jul. 26th, 2006 | 11:55 pm
location: Jess's House
mood: disappointeddisappointed

Why are women so much more selfish then men? Or at least more self-centered? Any time that my girlfriend would go off into another room, I would go and check on her, even if it were the next room over. I was tired of watchin ght TV show she was watching, and so I got up and went into her bedroom to lay on her bed while she watched the rest of her show. I have now been lying on her bed for the past hour and all she has said, not having moved from the chair she was sitting in in the room right outside her bedroom, to me is "what are you doing?" (after 15 minutes) and "you asleep yet?" (20 minutes later). I would have gone into the bedroom and checked what she was doing, and making sure she was okay, and not just yell to her from the room next door. Sometimes, things just get to me, and I can't shake it off. Maybe it's just because I would do something different and I think that what I do is what should be done...I don't know.

Also, as if she can't do a damn thing herself, she yells for me again, just because there is a roach crawling across the floor. She yelled "Dale, come quick and kill this!". I didn't even get a please out of her for that. So what did I do? I leisurely walked out there to kill it, with her yelling "kill it! quick!" repeatedly in my ear while I went up to it. I just don't get it at all.

Have "we" as a society (of men) "taught" women that we will do anything and everything for them? Have "we" told them that we can take care of everything for them, and that they don't need to try and do it themselves; whether they want to or not? I thought that's what the Women's Rights Movement was all about, but I just don't think it's as powerful now. I think that most of it now is only involved in/around the work-place just because I am not seeing it too much at the home.

I just don't get it any more...I just don't know.

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why are women so confusing?

Jul. 24th, 2006 | 11:36 pm
mood: tiredtired

As I lay here in bed, trying to fall asleep, I can't stop thinking about what I do wrong with my girlfriend, and if there even was anything I did wrong at all. In our conversation on the phone tonight, I told her that I was going to come down to her house tomorrow after I eat dinner at my dad's house (which is almost always between 6:30 and 7:00). She seemed like she didn't want me to come down, and so I asked her if that was okay, and she hesitantly said it was. I don't get women (or at least my woman) when they say one thing, but YOU KNOW they meant something else. I asked her what was wrong with that, and she said she didn't know the point of coming down so late; so I explained it to her. She did "ask" the question right? so I answered it. And when I get through with my answer/reasoning...?...she sighs and says "whatever", like she was never looking for it in the first place. So there lies my question.........why are women so confusing? I just don't get it.

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Update

Jul. 23rd, 2006 | 06:49 pm
location: dad's house
mood: calmcalm
music: Oasis-Wonderwall

So...just incase you were wondering how my summer has been going...here it is, in a nutshell.

I have been living at my dad's house for most of it, and haqve been doing pretty well. I visit my girlfriend often (part of the reason for staying in GA this summer) and things with us are very good. This summer has has it's many ups and downs, but the downs have not been quite as bad as I thought they would be. Things between Jess and I got a little rocky around the 4th of July, but it all was worked out, and I am so glad that it did. We talked for almost an hour and a half one night, around the 4th, and had a lot to say. I went outside of the house, and layed down on the driveway, while we talked. We were on the topic of how things were going to be in the future between us, and that's when I looked up in the sky and saw a shooting star. Right at that moment, I made a wish, and so far it has slowly been coming true. Now I can't tell you what exact,y I wish, but it had to do with my relationship (although I'm sure you figured that) and since then, things have been getting better, so I think it is slowly starting to work/come true. I have been working a lot too. Not too much money to show for it, but I have been.

I am so ready to go back to school. I am sick and tired of my dad being him normal self, complaining about my mother, or something of the sort, and not ever giving it up. I find it so much easier to talk to my step-mother that I do my own father. We even get to talk about him and how much she can't deal with anymore from him as well as what I can't stand about him. It's lkinda fun at times (sounds bad, but oh well). Well, there it is...pretty much.

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(no subject)

Jun. 8th, 2006 | 12:32 am
mood: annoyedashamed

So I buzzed my head today, and my girlfriend HATES IT! She can't even stand to look at me right now. This is just ridiculous. I don't know how many times I have wished I could go back in time and either redo something I did or not do something at all. I had asked her opinion and she gave me nothing more specific than, "I don't know, I just don't think it would look good". The real reason for her not wanting me to do it was because she hates everything that stands for the military. Now I knew she would not date/marry anyone that was in the military, but I didn't know she would go this deep. I can't do anything about it, and have threatened myself with leaving her house right now so that she wouldn't have to bother looking at it the rest of the week while I am here. If she had given me her real, honest reasoning, then I definitely would not have done this.

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a new addition

Jan. 30th, 2006 | 04:21 pm

So...I went out on a wim about a week and a half ago and decided to get a tattoo. For those who know me, that isn't something that you would have really expected me to do was it? Anyways, here is what it looks like...hope you like it.


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